Even though I hated myself for sleeping around, I didn't have the strength, nor the courage, to stop. At that point, it was no longer about proving a point. I wanted to feel loved; I wanted to be accepted.
I started to drink and go to parties and bars. While drinking was perfectly normal for most of the members of my family, and as such, not completely strange to me, I have never liked being surrounded by big crowds or loud noises. Still, I had a small circle of "friends." Even though I was not fully comfortable, I was accepted into a crowd.
It is important to note that even though I was living this life of sex and alcohol, I still attended church faithfully. I still sang on Sabbaths, participated in Sabbath School discussions, led out in youth activities. I am sure the majority of my church members had no idea that I was living a double life, especially since none of my friends constantly uploaded images to social media to give me away. For any of them to know would mean that they had to be participating in the same activities - and good Christians didn't set foot in the places I hung out.
My self esteem was lower than it had ever been. While I had a circle of acquaintances, I knew that I was living a life that was contrary to everything I believed to be right, and everything that had once mattered. I tried to pull away from the lifestyle, but I didn't have the strength to do it. I was on a fast track to hell, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could have prayed. I should have turned to God. But I was so ashamed of what I had become. How could God, who was perfect and sinless, still love me, who was doing everything I knew He asked me not to.
The beginning of my break-through came in January 2014. I was scheduled to sing with the conference's youth praise team at the youth convention. The speaker, Pastor Abraham F. Henry, preached - and I honestly can't remember what the sermon was about. What I do remember, and what really impacted me, was his closing. I do not want to quote it, because, well, I don't want to misquote him. But the gist of it was that it is when God seems furthest away that He is closest, reaching out and waiting for us to call on Him. I decided at that point, that I would get re-baptised.
25 January, 2014, I was buried under the watery grave by Pastor Fritzgerald Francois (one of my favorite pastors to this day). I would love to say that things were immediately better, that as soon as I emerged from the pool of cold water, I no longer struggled with my sins or self-esteem. If I were to say that, I would be lying.
See, although there had been a breakthrough, I had allowed myself to go so far down that road of self-destruction that I had more than a little bit of work to get out of that pit. I think I read it in a book by Ellen G. White, while my human efforts would never, could never, be enough to save me, God would not be able to make any changes in me that I did not allow. I had to cooperate. And that was difficult. Habits are easy to form but terribly hard to break. The habit of selling myself cheaply and then hating myself for it was one that would take some time to shake off.
A few months after my baptism, I found a book in my book closet that I had never seen before. "God Must Be Crazy!" by H. Schubert Palmer, was the medium God used to turn my life around completely, and it is one that I recommend to anyone who has issues with their self-perception. The book highlights how much love God had for Israel, how much love He has for me. It was after reading that book that my mindset changed drastically. I had spent so much time trying to love myself, using other people's opinions of me to measure my self-worth. And, even though I would have never admitted it back then, I was trying to earn my forgiveness. This book helped me realize, truly realize, that there was nothing I could do to earn God's love or to lose it. That realization led to another realization: my worth is wrapped up in God's love.
While it took years for me to overcome the stronghold that sex had over me, my self-loathing disappeared. I no longer hated myself for my imperfections. The One who had every right to hate me loved, and still loves, me. I noticed that it was only after I accepted this love, that I could not fully understand, that I started to improve in all areas of my life. I had found what I had been looking for - love. And I was no longer trying to earn it, but rather doing everything I could to return it. It was easier (not necessarily easy - but easier) for me to resist temptations because I loved God and didn't want to hurt Him. And when I did (and occasionally do) mess up, I remember that, while He is the God of justice, He is also love. He knows my heart, and I know that He will forgive me - especially if it was a genuine slip up and if I am genuinely sorry.
There are still moments when I feel low, when I make mistakes. But I serve a loving God. When Jesus died on the cross to save me, He placed a value on me. So what am I worth? I am worth the blood of Jesus Christ. If I want to compare it to some earthly treasure, I am priceless. This is something I tell myself every time I fall into that pattern of hating myself because of my imperfections. God is still working on me and each day, I am better than the day before. Eventually, I my character will be perfected.
More importantly, you are worth the blood of Jesus. You are priceless. Jesus laid down His life so that you, yes, you, could live. He is waiting for you. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you any less. And if that's not amazing enough, He loves you so much, that He cannot possibly love you any more than he already does. If you're feeling lonely and unloved, give Him a try. Talk to Him through prayer. Listen to Him by reading His word. Be encouraged by His Spirit. Remember that your value is wrapped up in the cross.
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